Subscriber Account active since. Opposites attract — or so we are told. While this rule has potential to broaden your horizons, people who are poles apart might be drawn together for all the wrong reasons.
Narcissists, for example, are attracted to people they will get the greatest use from. Often, this means they pursue and target empaths. Empaths are the opposite of narcissists. While people with narcissistic personality disorder have no empathy, and thrive on the need for admiration, empaths are highly sensitive and in tune with other people's emotions. Empaths are "emotional sponges," who can absorb feelings from other people very easily.
This makes them them very attractive to narcissists, because they see someone who will fulfill their every need in a selfless way. Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of " The Empath's Survival Guide ," told Business Insider that this is a toxic attraction which is destined for disaster. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don't do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing.
When a narcissist is trying to hook someone in, they will be loving and attentive , but their mask soon starts to slip. At the beginning they only see the good qualities, and believe the relationship will make them look good. This doesn't last because narcissists are full of contempt, and they see most people as below them. Once they start to notice their partner's flaws, they no longer idealise them, and they start to blame them for not being perfect.
It can sometimes take a while for the true colours to show, Orloff said, so she tells her clients to never fall in love with a narcissist. But this goes against an empath's instincts, as they believe they can fix people and heal anything with compassion.
It's so hard for many empaths to believe that somebody just doesn't have empathy, and that they can't heal the other person with their love. If they feel you're getting too attached or you no longer have value to them, they'll be gone and so will the love. Instead, these choices get made subconsciously. Ward refers to the common psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of people who hurt us in the past.
If their relationship was abusive, or you were always seeking approval as a child, you may look for a partner with those same traits because you're trying to heal old wounds, she says.
This is known as repetition compulsion. Narcissistic behaviour may seem "normal" in these cases because you might be accustomed to being treated badly by those you love.
Anything familiar, whether good or bad, feels comfortable , Ward says. The problem is that a familiar relationship isn't the same as a healthy one, and narcissists are unlikely to give you what you need on a long-term basis. According to Ward , narcissists often seek out sensitive, kind people, because they can use their empathy to take advantage of them.
If you find yourself getting sucked into repeated relationships with narcissists, Ward says the first thing you to do is figure out what you want from a partner. Our needs for love, respect, attention and acceptance are important, she says, and that's what relationships are for. However, you may have lost sight of those goals somewhere along the way and settled for unhealthy relationships with the wrong people.
Although narcissists appear to fulfill your needs at the beginning of a relationship, this almost never lasts. Instead, you might find yourself desperately holding onto a person that actually didn't exist in the first place. Ward says change begins when we recognise that we deserve and should expect more.
Ward suggests thinking about whether you got enough attention growing up, and reminding yourself that it's okay to express your needs and tell your partner how you feel. Ultimately, narcissists probably won't change. You are not responsible for their growth or healing, or even for the health of the relationship overall, Ward says. They have to help themselves — and will only do that if they want to. The sooner you realise this, the better, she says. Just bear in mind it'll be emotionally draining, and you may end up getting discarded anyway.
A common misconception is that narcissists go for the weak, because they are easier to manipulate. In fact, narcissists prefer to try and hook someone in who is strong-willed, and who has talents or characteristics they admire.
That way, they feel more accomplished if they succeed in tearing them down. Shannon Thomas, the author of the book " Healing from Hidden Abuse ," told Business Insider that whatever strength a narcissist zeros in on, "they turn that around and destroy it.
I've also seen people specifically targeted if they are of a religious faith, then the person either tries to get them to do things that go against their faith principles, or somehow break [them] down. According to psychotherapist Karen Arluck, who was answering a post on Quora , generally speaking, most people with narcissistic personality disorder want to feel good about themselves, so they gravitate towards people who will make that happen. Either they will feel special through association, or they will feel powerful in taking down someone who appears mentally, physically, or emotionally strong.
There are four types of people who narcissists tend to be attracted to, according to Arluck:. It may appear like narcissists go for certain types of people and try to destroy them as a reflection of their own low self esteem.
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