Seek support from trusted friends, family members or talk to trained relationship counsellor in a free Live Chat. Talk to your partner. Although bringing the affair up with your partner may feel painful, it's important you can ask questions so you can assess exactly what has happened. Find somewhere private to talk where you won't be interrupted. If you don't feel ready to talk together you may want to consider Relationship Counselling , where you'll have a safe and confidential space to discuss things.
Avoid cutting in on what your partner is saying. You will undoubtedly be shocked and upset, but try not to start shouting or rush out of the room. Ask your partner to tell you the truth, however painful. Recovery after an affair is always worse if lies are told early on. Ask questions if you need to, but try to focus on the facts.
For example you might ask how long the affair has lasted and what your partner wants to happen now. Once the initial shock has passed, try your best to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water, and, yes, to have some fun. Blaming yourself, your partner, or the third party won't change anything and it's just wasted energy.
Try not to play the victim, either, if you can help it, or wallow in self-pity. It will only make you feel more helpless and bad about yourself. This situation is between you and your partner and should not involve your children. Even if you have decided to end your marriage, sharing details about an affair will only put your kids in an untenable position, causing them anxiety, making them feel stuck in the middle, and forced to take sides.
Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone. Before you make any decisions about whether or not to end your marriage, it's wise to talk to a couple's counselor , who will be neutral and can help you gain insight into what exactly happened.
An experienced therapist can help you communicate better and process feelings of guilt, shame, and whatever else you might be feeling. If you decide to end the marriage, you 'll know that you tried your best to make it work. If you suspect that the affair will most likely lead to the end of your marriage, give some thought to practical matters, such as where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, and, if you have kids, the type of custody arrangement you want.
You may also want to consider asking your partner to be tested for STDs, and to get yourself tested as well if you have had sex during or after the affair. Infidelity is one of the more difficult challenges a marriage can face, but it doesn't always mean it's the end. As you work through the aftermath over time, it will become clear how to go forward so that the next phase of your life , together or apart, can begin.
Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Emotional processes following disclosure of an extramarital affair. J Marital Fam Ther. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About Marriage and Family Therapists. Your Privacy Rights.
To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellMind. Once your trust is eroded by an affair, even small lies can be really triggering, because they remind you of the betrayal you experienced. However, if your spouse points to other people to justify why they cheated, your relationship might not be worth saving.
This might be a dealbreaker no matter who they say is to blame, though. The collective wisdom of those who have been in your position before can give you insight into possible next steps.
Still, these numbers show that marital infidelity is not a relationship death sentence. This leaves a lot of marriages at risk. Ultimately, it is up to you and your husband or wife to decide whether you will be able to survive this betrayal, find forgiveness, and preserve your marriage. Actually, the answer depends largely on whether or not the extramarital affair comes to light. Remember the APA study we talked about in the last question? On the surface, these numbers seem a little bit surprising.
Furthermore, when a cheating spouse admits to an affair, it usually means that the affair is over. By confessing to the infidelity, the unfaithful partner is often indicating that they are ready to live their life in a committed relationship once again. If their spouse can find forgiveness and also move on, then there might be a lot of hope for the relationship yet.
Luckily, there is an art to affair recovery, and there is a recipe for feeling better, forgiving your partner, and moving on with your life. Currently, the Gottman Institute founded by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is beginning a randomized clinical trial to test the effectiveness of what they call the Trust Revival Method , in which the stages of healing from an affair are described as Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment.
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